My big loss

published at

Today I wake up with an empty morning.

No Whatsapp notification. No Telegram notification. No email notification.

No alarm.

Reminders® told me that I have a plan named Solat Jumat because I always missed it.

And Bandung today is bright as expected, so I'm drying my skin as usual while thinking about what I did last night.

It's hard to believe that last night was real even I'm in sober.

Today is a tough day, my soul feels empty.

But thank god, it's Friday.

I can use this weekend to spend my me time and to forgive anyone.

I promise I won't drink alcohol just to escape reality. Alcohol is for happiness, not the reverse.

I faced it as usual I faced problems.

I believe everyone deserves better, of their own choices.

So here I am, writing 3 shit in English just to reflect how lost I am.

This is the first big loss of my life, I don't even know it really that hurt.

I couldn't see her eyes one last time, and I don't know whether that's a good thing or vice versa.

And after all, life will always go on.

But for now, I'm still stuck on January 17, 2020.

When life is at its best.

I needed to take a little break, and deleting Telegram on the phone was the first thing I did as almost all of my communication happened there, because I use Whatsapp only for office needs and communicate with my family; friend, and my loving one, until recently.

However I can't see Bandung as same as yesterday anymore, I don't know maybe I should consider moving from this city?

Lots of beautiful-but-simple things happened here, and I can't seem to make peace with it, including the Starbucks DU which I often visit; Jalan Dipatiukur that I often pass, Upnormal Sumur that I often choose to get my work done, and this simple house where I live.

Holy shit.

My brain seemed to stop working; my chest feels tight, and my eyes felt like something was down.

Like yesterday.

So I told my mom that I was good, I know it's a lie.

And I'm pretty sure she knows that.

Like most of us, we don't want to make people worry, let alone disappointed.

My mom believes I can deal with the problems I face, and for now I don't need her help because she doesn't know anything about it as I know it.

And we both agreed, without any further question.

Anyway, I hope you are all good and have a great weekend!

...And until now I still believe that I'm just dreaming.